The Confessions of Henry Hooter the Third Read online

  THE CONFESSIONS

  OF

  HENRY

  HOOTER

  THE THIRD

  POEMS FOR OWLISH CHILDREN

  by

  Gabriel Rosenstock

  Edited by Mícheál Ó hAodha

  ORIGINAL WRITING

  © 2011 GABRIEL ROSENSTOCK

  EXPANDED EDITION 2011

  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced in any form or by any means—graphic, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or information storage and retrieval systems—without the prior written permission of the author.

  ISBNs

  PARENT : 978-1-908477-95-8

  EPub: 978-1-908477-96-5

  Mobi : 978-1-908477-97-2

  Published by ORIGINAL WRITING LTD., Dublin, 2011.

  CONTENTS

  The Confessions Of Henry Hooter The Third

  The Vertical–Take–Off Sparrow

  Sick Canary

  The Corkscrew–Bird

  Goose To Greenland Going

  Connemara Child

  Late Again!

  Old Frog

  Yakity Yak

  The Depths Of Henry Hooter

  Waddle

  Stick–In–The–Mud–Spud

  An Invitation To Discuss Life With An Eel

  National Anthem (Nearly) For Nepal

  Larry The Locust

  To Katawangadoo - And Back!

  Gooseberry

  Chopped Carrot

  What The Weasel Painted

  The Asparagus Is Learning French

  Hedgy

  What Did You Slay?

  Polar Bear

  Onion

  Now It’s Snowing

  Pre–Marital Tension

  Litter–Bug

  Sos Lost Whale!

  Miss Pear

  The Fire–Eating Moth

  Late Again! (Yet Again)

  Cabbage

  Canute

  Wuff

  Auld Lang Syne

  Shady Banana

  Sea Bee

  Professor X Goes Splat!

  The Cautionary Tale Of The Horseradish

  Charles The Woodworm

  Bully

  Harry

  Dolly The Donkey Dances, Again

  Us Voles

  Mule

  Henry Hooter Had A Flea

  First

  The Return of the Dodo

  The Duck-Billed Platypus

  The Tale of a Rat

  Letter from a Mouse

  Centipede

  THE CONFESSIONS OF HENRY HOOTER THE THIRD

  Sadly the dawn light seeps from the skies

  He closes his eyes

  Counts black sheep

  Cannot sleep.

  “I am tired of being wise …

  I’m not wise. It’s all lies!

  “I am just a foolish bird

  My name is Henry Hooter the Third.

  “With a name like that I could be clever?

  What a hoot (bless my word!) – did you ever?”

  He opens his eyes

  Thinks: “Me? Wise?”

  “I’ve a big surprise for you all:

  I am as wise as a brick wall!”

  Now that he’s said all he wanted to say

  Henry Hooter goes to sleep for the day.

  THE VERTICAL-TAKE-OFF SPARROW

  The vertical-take-off sparrow –

  A creature that seldom is seen;

  Up he goes like an arrow –

  They call him “The Flying Machine”.

  He whirrs when about to take off –

  But how to describe it… that sound!

  Say a hundred gnus were to cough

  (If a hundred gnus could be found).

  SICK CANARY

  My canary is sick

  And refuses to sing,

  He turns up his nose

  At the food I bring

  And his eyes grow dim

  Grow dim, grow dim

  And nobody knows

  What’s the matter with him.

  I wish he could speak …

  Can’t you open your beak?

  Poor little thing! He’s far too weak.

  THE CORKSCREW-BIRD

  The corkscrew-bird has a very funny nose

  With which it makes holes in trees,

  A funny old nose which it never ever blows

  Except when about to sneeze.

  The corkscrew–bird is born in mid–June

  (And sometimes, too, in May)

  Try as it might it can’t sing in tune

  But it hopes to … one fine day.

  GOOSE TO GREENLAND GOING

  The brent goose eyes a passing cloud:

  “I’m leaving tomorrow

  No cause for sorrow!”

  Chill wind cries aloud.

  Greenland calls to the brent goose, time to go,

  Nothing has changed

  Her flight is arranged

  No time to lose come hail, come snow.

  How I wish she’d take me there

  To Greenland through the honking air!

  CONNEMARA CHILD

  An insect chirps in the meadow

  Like a bicycle coming down the road,

  I’m not afraid of the bumble bee,

  The asses cry with their heavy load.

  Mama’s shawl is warm,

  Father’s pants are wide,

  If ever I’m in trouble

  I know where I can hide.

  Uncle is mending a currach,

  How I love the smell of the tar!

  The lake at the end of the boreen –

  Silvery as a star.

  I like the cows black as turf,

  That stream – no depth at all;

  Sheep have dye–marks, blue and red,

  Ponies never grow tall.

  LATE AGAIN!

  Lightning flashes daub the sky,

  Crow is flying at his level best;

  “Caw! What a storm – can hardly fly,

  Hardly see … damn, where’s my nest?

  “What am I doing at this time of night,

  Lightning ripping the sky in two;

  I’m a fool, you know – head is gone light,

  Wife will be mad. What will I do?”

  OLD FROG

  Down in a hole in a bog

  Lived an old, old, old, old frog.

  He was old, he was cold,

  All covered in mould

  And breakfasted mostly on fog.

  YAKITY YAK

  The yak

  Carries lots of things

  On his back

  And as he trundles

  He tumbles and mumbles

  Singing

  “So many bundles!

  Alack!”

  THE DEPTHS OF HENRY HOOTER

  Henry Hooter has a pain in his head,

  “Should I get up, or stay here in bed?

  Should I be single, or should I be wed?”

  His head feels heavy – heavy as lead.

  Henry Hooter has just had a thought,

  It flew out his ear and was only half caught:

  “All life,” he said, “is with something fraught,

  Wisdom’s a something … something – something

  bought.”

  Henry Hooter opened a book,

  “What a load of codswollop! Look, just look!”

  With laughter and anger his whole frame

  shook –

  “From start to finish it’s gobbledegook!”

  Henry Hooter says the world has gone mad:

  “Just have a look at it! Terrri
bly sad!

  Everyone asking what’s the latest fad –

  By heavens, I hope it’s not me – egad!”

  Henry Hooter nods off to sleep,

  Sleeping deeply he lies in a heap,

  Deeply sleeping till the first stars peep,

  Mumbling sweetly “How come I’m so deep?”

  POEM FOUND IN A SINK

  Squids spurt ink

  Philosophers think

  Psychiatrists shrink

  Skunks stink

  Owls wink

  What’s a fink?

  Don’t know. But flamingos are pink

  And lemmings fall over the brink

  Into the drink:

  Is it some kind of kink?

  Don’t know. But foxes slink

  And a chain is as weak as its strongest link.

  Is it wrong to wear mink?

  Don’t know. But skaters skate in a rink

  Glasses clink

  Coins chink

  Zn stands for zinc

  Some girls prink

  And as far as I know fish don’t blink.

  WADDLE

  I am a little penguin

  And I waddle when I run:

  Widdle wuddle waddle –

  Gosh, it’s so much fun!

  I waddle in the morning

  When the day begins to break

  And I waddle in the night–time

  Just to keep myself awake!

  My dad’s a powerful waddler –

  Twice Waddler of the Year,

  The judges said he must have had

  A fourth or fifth gear!

  STICK-IN-THE-MUD-SPUD

  “That old Spud’s a proper stick-in-the-mud,”

  Says red–lipped Cherry. “Not talking to him

  anymore!”

  Spud hears this and is hurt to the core.

  Suddenly – thud!

  Next thing you know he’s lying on the floor.

  All the fruit and vegetables gather round to

  view the scene.

  “Dead or alive?” asks Parsnip. “Hmm … let’s

  see,” says Garden Pea,

  “I wonder … hmm …what do you think Broad

  Bean?”

  “Nothing serious, just badly shook if you ask

  me!”

  “Spud! Darling! It’s me – Cherry. I’m awfully

  sorry! (Can he hear?)

  Said awfully sorry! Friends? So silly to fight!”

  Spud opens a watery eye: “Forgive you this

  time, my dear.”

  “Oh, so happy!

  Tell me Spud … anything – er –

  cooking tonight?”

  AN INVITATION TO DISCUSS LIFE WITH AN EEL

  You think because I’m just an eel

  I don’t feel?

  I feel! As do lizards, newts and rats

  And vampire bats!

  You think because you see no tears

  I’ve got no hopes, no dreams, no fears?

  I fear, I dream, I hope,

  My dreams are slippier than soap.

  What do you think I’m made of? Jelly?

  Oh, what’s the point! Go watch telly!

  NATIONAL ANTHEM (NEARLY)

  FOR NEPAL

  “I think not,”

  Says the Nepalese Apricot

  “I think not…”

  “What?

  Hey, Apricot!

  Think not what?”

  “No, I think not,”

  Says the Apricot

  “I think not…”

  “That there Apricot

  Sure does think a lot!”

  “I think not,”

  Says the Apricot

  “I think not…”

  LARRY THE LOCUST

  Larry the Locust

  Is fond of his swarm

  “Keeps me warm.”

  Larry the Locust

  Flies here and there

  “Most everywhere.”

  Larry the Locust

  Could never live alone

  No mind of his own.

  Larry the Locust

  There he goes!

  Which one is he?

  Nobody knows.

  TO KATAWANGADOO – AND BACK !

  Where bananas straighten out by the hour

  And the stinging coconut slowly loses its hair,

  Have you been there?

  I was – I swear!

  Nuts there swell, shiver and grow sour,

  Sad gorillas stare

  At aero–bats sailing backwards through the air –

  For a dare!

  Swamps giggle as fish cower,

  Sly crocodiles, weeping, glare

  At snide parrots who don’t give a care

  Because there’s zillions of them there.

  Slimy waterfalls freeze, stumpy giraffes glower

  And whistle a soft tune – so sweet and rare –

  Before … splat! They tumble into the spider’s

  snare:

  YES, I WAS THERE!

  GOOSEBERRY

  I no longer want to be a gooseberry!

  But wouldn’t it be merry – very –

  To be a duckberry, – what?

  I’d like that a quacking lot!

  Or a turkeyberry for that matter

  And never run out of chatter.

  A swanberry – yes, that would be nice.

  A swanberry – cool as ice:

  With cygnetberries all in a row

  Waiting to turn into snow.

  Anything! Anything but a gooseberry!

  I’m nothing but a hairy what’s–the–use–berry!

  CHOPPED CARROT

  The Carrot woke up

  To the sound of a slicing scream;

  Old Turnip spoke up:

  “Young Carrot there’s having a dream.”

  The following night

  Carrot woke up as before;

  Turnip was right

  “I’m afraid you’re a bit of a bore!”

  “Help! Help! It’s a rabbit!”

  “Oh, shut it!” says Turnip, “this is becoming a

  habit!”

  WHAT THE WEASEL PAINTED

  There were snails

  on rails

  and mice

  on ice.

  Dogs, hogs

  and frogs

  in clogs –

  floundering in bogs.

  Gnus

  in pointed shoes

  (their tootsies will bruise).

  Llamas

  in striped pyjamas.

  Asses

  with glasses.

  Chimps

  with limps –

  such imps!

  Cats, rats

  and bats

  in spats.

  Yaks

  in plastic macs –

  (soaked to the bone,

  all all alone,

  they groan,

  all trying to use the phone:

  Hallo? Hallo? Ochone!)

  Two fighting cocks

  a stray fox

  something rather like an ox.

  A papoose

  riding a moose

  and a goose

  with a screw loose.

  And there with his easel

  Wilfred the Weasel

  painting a sun as small as a measle!

  THE ASPARAGUS IS LEARNING FRENCH

  The Asparagus is learning French

  Oui Oui! and s’il vous plait;

  The Jerusalem artichoke says “Mensch!

  She getting crazier by the day!”

  Nobody knows what she’s saying,

  She’s been at this now for a week:

  “Please stop this s’il vous plaiting

  Or I’ll speak Welsh!” says the leek.

  HEDGY

  Hedgy the Hedgehog

  Is crossing the road,

  I sure hope he makes it

  And lives to be old:

  “Come on Hedgy, hop it!”


  He stops dead cold …

  “Hop it?” says Hedgy,

  I’m not a bloomin’ toad!”

  WHAT DID YOU SLAY?

  Miss Orange has a stutter,

  Or, should one say a splutter?

  It annoys Professor Apple

  Who, as you know, is trying to grapple

  With the flutterfly…

  Oh my!

  Stand back if you please, Miss Orange – back!

  Out of my way!

  Slorry, Professor Zapple, what did – what did

  you slay?

  POLAR BEAR

  A polar bear once went to sea

  On a morning as cold as could be,

  “This ice–floe,’ he felt

  Is unlikely to melt…”

  But it did – when he went for a pee.

  ONION

  The onion’s eyes are streaming

  The tears drip down his nose

  His two little ears are beaming

  And this is how his story goes:

  Oh woe is me.

  Oh me is woe.

  Look at that bunion

  On my toe.

  Poor onion!

  NOW IT’S SNOWING

  sss

  sss

  sss

  sss

  sss

  sss

  sss

  sss

  sss

  sss

  sss

  sss

  sss

  sss

  sss

  sss

  sss

  NOw

  PRE-MARITAL TENSION

  Henry Hooter is tired of mice:

  “Put them on ice!

  Put them on ice!”

  Henry Hooter won’t touch a fly:

  “I’d rather die!

  I’d rather die!”

  Henry Hooter is fed up with life:

  “I need a wife!

  I need a wife!”

  So he puts an ad in The Owltime Review:

  LOOKING FOR A MISSUS. COULD IT BE YOU?

  REPLIES IN CONFIDENCE. TO–WHIT! TO–WHO!

  LITTER-BUG

  Litter-bug litter-bug

  Where have you been?

  “Scattering rubbish –

  I’m ever so keen!

  Down by the waterfront